Amazon Now Offering Prostitutes at Whole Foods

ho-articleFollowing the acquisition of healthy foods retailer Whole Foods (WFM), powerhouse online marker has lowered prices, installed delivery bins, and now added working girls to entice new shoppers into their stores.

The website that has famously changed shopping behavior is now aiming to change sexual behavior. “We are just excited to know that when customers set their “Pickup Location” to a Whole Foods market rather than a dark alleyway,” states an Amazon spokesperson, “it will give them an opportunity to pick-up some soy-based condoms and gluten free whip cream.  This will protect their health.  This is a public service really.”

Wall Street is keen on the idea of a company that sells goods cheaply working with people that will do anything for money.  Whole Foods stock jumped nearly 5 points following the announcement, as did sandwich maker Schlotzsky’s (BUNZ) and cigarette producer Phillip Morris (PM).

The move will help Amazon build further on their reputation for quick service.  Experts believe that their overnight and 2-day shipping options have been the main reasons for their phenomenal growth.  “This new service will allow our customers to receive their services very quickly- sometimes within 3 minutes”  stated the Amazon rep.

Critics have pointed out that women that are into bondage, wearing fishnets, and sporting tattoos shouldn’t be in the stores- as customers won’t be able to distinguish them from the regular employees.  In response, Amazon has implemented a state-of-the-art system.  When customers arrive, they are to text their cell phone numbers to a small electronic box the call-girls carry.  When the box “beeps” the customer receives a return call to agree on a meeting location in-store.

Amazon promises to release statistics on the success of this exciting new product in the spring.

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