You’re Welcome! Apple Performs Massive Ransomware Attack

Apple Slows iPhonesApple confirmed on Wednesday to Techcrunch that it has in fact been improving customer experiences with their older iPhones by relieving them of the inconvenience of shorter battery lives and lighter credit card bills.  In a practice discovered in 2015, iPhones unexpectedly slow down right after Apple releases a new iPhone model.

Apple Denies, Then Admits It’s Selfless iPhone Slowing

At the time Apple denied the practice but now admits they began degrading the performance of older iPhones in an update last year that was so powerful that it traveled in time and throttled iPhones back to 2008.  The update is meant to balance out battery peaks that may or may not exist by slowing your phone by more than half.

Apple Doesn’t REALLY Profit from the Slowdown

Fortunately, there is a simple solution to repair the problem.  Either buy a new battery, or a new iPhone.  You cannot, of course, adjust your settings and take your chances with a battery that may be fine, because, you can’t be trusted with that decision.  After all, wouldn’t you just be happier to have your old iPhone back for a measely $100?  If not, you can always buy the iPhone X for $999.99. (you will just need to send the money via Western Union to Nigeria.)

Slowdown’s Appeared in 2008 After the 2016 Update Traveled Back in Time

This is all about protecting your user experience that Apple doesn’t profit from in any way, or want to admit until there is no hiding from it any longer.  Thanks for protecting us Apple!

slow iPhone
This phone slowed to more than half overnight until he paid for a new battery
https://twitter.com/sam_siruomu

 

 

 

 

 

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