‘Couches in Classrooms’ Program Improving Attendance, Killing Test Scores

California- A popular pilot program to keep kids in school is being hailed as a huge success.  The Couches in Classrooms program was designed  to replace traditional desks with comfortable living room furniture in an effort to make kids feel more at home in class.  The result has meant huge gains for school budgets.

“We have been seeing unprecedented attendance, sometimes even local college students come hang out for the free Wifi” states Martin McPhail, superintendent for the San Diego Unified School District. “attendance equals funding, which means I get a better raise next year.”

Critics of the program have included teachers that worry the program hurts the quality of education the kids receive.  “Many of these kids are sleeping in class, or they will randomly yell out ‘Alexa! Show me funny cat videos”, stated one anonymous teacher, “they will be in their PJ’s and bring their dogs, it’s like we are institutionalized baby-sitters”.

In response to the concerns, Mr. McPhail states: “I am sure that the concerned teacher just needs an extended vacation.  Please, tell me who said that so that we can take care of her. Permanently”

Local parents have been positive about the program, citing that life is more enjoyable when kids stay in school longer.  “My kids have been kind of  a buzzkill when I just want to hang out at the beach after work.”  Notes parent Stacy Bangham, “I trust the district with my kids lives as long as I don’t have to deal with it.  From that standard, I think the program is great.”

The program is reported to be extended into 200 LA area schools, prompting huge bidding wars between furniture manufacturers like La-Z-Boy and Ethan Allen.  “Kids are the new California gold rush from a furniture prospective”, according to a representative from Ethan Allen, “since we know they aren’t getting an education unless they are in private school, they might as well be comfortable.”

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