New ecstasy laced mistletoe is a hit… but makes for awkward family reunions
A Newark company’s creation of a patent pending yuletide mistletoe has changed the game. Before concocting this wreath of lust, most revelers of Christmas had to muster up the courage to engage in what would become a meaningless peck of the lips to symbolize affection.
But now, using an imported Netherlands ecstasy of only the finest grade, your encounter under the mistletoe could end in the no pants dance. “It’s like I’m in a state of euphoria” says Yedidya Goldsmith, “one minute I’m sipping some eggnog and the next minute I’m half naked feeling like Barry White”.
Spirit of Christmas?
Mistletoe may never be the same. But not all are excited to know that all sense of reasonableness could be lost on such a sacred holiday. “I mean, Christmas is classy”
says Bunny Cinnamon, “I have been dancing for years on Christmas Eve just to get people in the mood, I’m outta business! I mean god, people are trashy!”
Chestnuts on an Open Fire
It’s expected to hit the stores soon after approval by the FDA, so count on a rush come Black Friday. However, although its sure to add spice to the holiday festivities, recent testing at the companies secret Nevada laboratory has caused reason for concern. “We had several families come and spend their weekend at our all inclusive 24/7 Christmas themed compound to test our mistletoe. It seems as though we may have the dosage too high… umm thats all I’ll say.” says director Carl McDonald.
Yes Christmas may never be the same. Crappy sweaters and burnt out Bing Crosby songs will feel like Chinese water torture without this new creation. So keep it a secret, and keep the family away! Opening Christmas gifts may soon get really boring… unless they’re Trojans!